To All Twi-Hards - Bite Me
It's that time of the year again, another Twilight movie coming out. When will the insanity end? We've been tortured long enough! I'm all for young adult novels and forbidden romances but Twilight has definitely ruined vampires for me forever. This is coming from someone who would religiously (pun intended) see Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Thursdays on Star World. I read the first Twilight book while at university since I had heard about it being 'The Next Harry Potter' (J K Rowling just spat out some Firewhisky onto her Goblet of Fire while Fawkes idly laughed by - 'Muggles and their comparisons').
After finishing the book, I thought to myself - well that was a waste of forty five minutes. However, my curiosity didn't end there, I wanted to see the movie. The trailer looked good with caked up pale teens climbing trees, lying in meadows and being together forever which, the trailer informed me began NOW, each time the trailer ended. I commented on almost every scene of that movie especially due to the fact that two out of three of my friends watching were laughing. And encouraging me is like giving crack to a baby, I mean candy to an addict. Third friend who had read the book and slyly joined some Team Edward forums subtly wiped away her tears when she realised the sheer torture that both Edward and Bella faced when with each other. Let me tell you non Twi-hards, the audience is the one getting tortured...and not in a fun way.
Contrary to what you may be thinking, I do not have some malicious hate towards Twilight (anymore), it's an unfortunate yet important part of current pop culture. I was willing to give the series the benefit of the doubt. Don't hate me but I gave up the first Harry Potter book after the first 15 pages, finished it only when I realised my friends were discussing it passionately and me not reading it meant me without friends soon. High school insecurities, how I miss thee. So when a friend gifted me the Werewolf's Sun Rise (New Moon), I read it. I think this book was when my frustration about Bella turned to rage. She has some issues. When Harry Potter didn't come back to Hogwarts in final year, Ginny reformed Dumbledore's Army and kept the rebellion alive. When Aragorn was off fighting orcs and defending Frodo, Arwen chose a mortal life. When Edward drove a couple of miles away to another high school to get away, Bella began jumping off cliffs and motorcycles in an attempt to harm herself. Technically, it's the author who has issues but it's easier to call out Kristen Stewart. I mean Bella.
The movie that's being released now is the final one - part one of it. Totally copied Harry Potter. So Twilight 1000:Baby Breaking Bella - they're still in high school but they're getting married in this one. There's a fancy wedding and people who've seen the movie say that Bella makes a more beautiful bride than Kate Middleton to which, Dear Deluded, I say -
What follows is a honeymoon in Brazil because that's where vampires go to relax and also sample the local cuisine. There's one particular sequence that bothers me the most, it's when Edward and Bella are finally intimate together resulting in bruises and a broken bed. Talk about awkward morning after. This book is being read by impressionable teenagers and their teenage mothers, most of them reading such a storyline for the first time. Is it the most informative, most correct description? The answer is a resounding, deafening NO. As if we don't have enough kids going up to strange pale emo goth kids saying 'Bite me' thinking that that's appropriate social behaviour.
In the true style of Hindi films, Bella becomes pregnant ASAP probably because someone j!zz3d like a fire hose (Fun AND Scientific fact: Since vampires don't have blood, they can't get an er3ction. Yeah, think of how that works out) and the pregnancy is super painful because HELLO vampire gook. When it's time for the baby to be born, Edward EATS the baby out of her (This was when my gag reflex gave out) but wait, Bella's dying but she's dying for her baby and for Edward so it's beautiful. And then Edward's like 'OMG I can't be a single dad who will continue to go to high school AND be a vampire'! So (SPOILER ALERT) he finally vampired Bella, the mother of a demon-child with the worst name ever given Renesmee (Is the author saying - Renee is Me? Is she the real child of a vampire and a human? Is this her parent's life story?) and the minute Jacob sees her, he ''imprints'' her - this is a werewolf adoloscent and an infant monster. You were in love with her mother just five minutes ago Jacob. Lesson learnt, this is what child birth does to a woman. Not only do you become a soulless fanged out vampire, the hot guy completely loses interest in you.
Last thought - Edward (another fun fact - 'actor' Robert Pattinson hasn't even READ Twilight) doesn't burn to a crisp when in the sun unlike how other vampire legends have led us to believe. He sparkles, like a million diamonds have descended on his skin (Game Show Question - What sparkles in the sun, can read your mind, mumbles throughout, is more than a century old is cold as ice, like marble to touch and drinks your blood? Answer - Every teenage girl's dream - Edward Cullen!). I have the same question as a character with one of the best storylines in recent times - Professor Severus Snape -
After finishing the book, I thought to myself - well that was a waste of forty five minutes. However, my curiosity didn't end there, I wanted to see the movie. The trailer looked good with caked up pale teens climbing trees, lying in meadows and being together forever which, the trailer informed me began NOW, each time the trailer ended. I commented on almost every scene of that movie especially due to the fact that two out of three of my friends watching were laughing. And encouraging me is like giving crack to a baby, I mean candy to an addict. Third friend who had read the book and slyly joined some Team Edward forums subtly wiped away her tears when she realised the sheer torture that both Edward and Bella faced when with each other. Let me tell you non Twi-hards, the audience is the one getting tortured...and not in a fun way.
Contrary to what you may be thinking, I do not have some malicious hate towards Twilight (anymore), it's an unfortunate yet important part of current pop culture. I was willing to give the series the benefit of the doubt. Don't hate me but I gave up the first Harry Potter book after the first 15 pages, finished it only when I realised my friends were discussing it passionately and me not reading it meant me without friends soon. High school insecurities, how I miss thee. So when a friend gifted me the Werewolf's Sun Rise (New Moon), I read it. I think this book was when my frustration about Bella turned to rage. She has some issues. When Harry Potter didn't come back to Hogwarts in final year, Ginny reformed Dumbledore's Army and kept the rebellion alive. When Aragorn was off fighting orcs and defending Frodo, Arwen chose a mortal life. When Edward drove a couple of miles away to another high school to get away, Bella began jumping off cliffs and motorcycles in an attempt to harm herself. Technically, it's the author who has issues but it's easier to call out Kristen Stewart. I mean Bella.
The movie that's being released now is the final one - part one of it. Totally copied Harry Potter. So Twilight 1000:Baby Breaking Bella - they're still in high school but they're getting married in this one. There's a fancy wedding and people who've seen the movie say that Bella makes a more beautiful bride than Kate Middleton to which, Dear Deluded, I say -
What follows is a honeymoon in Brazil because that's where vampires go to relax and also sample the local cuisine. There's one particular sequence that bothers me the most, it's when Edward and Bella are finally intimate together resulting in bruises and a broken bed. Talk about awkward morning after. This book is being read by impressionable teenagers and their teenage mothers, most of them reading such a storyline for the first time. Is it the most informative, most correct description? The answer is a resounding, deafening NO. As if we don't have enough kids going up to strange pale emo goth kids saying 'Bite me' thinking that that's appropriate social behaviour.
In the true style of Hindi films, Bella becomes pregnant ASAP probably because someone j!zz3d like a fire hose (Fun AND Scientific fact: Since vampires don't have blood, they can't get an er3ction. Yeah, think of how that works out) and the pregnancy is super painful because HELLO vampire gook. When it's time for the baby to be born, Edward EATS the baby out of her (This was when my gag reflex gave out) but wait, Bella's dying but she's dying for her baby and for Edward so it's beautiful. And then Edward's like 'OMG I can't be a single dad who will continue to go to high school AND be a vampire'! So (SPOILER ALERT) he finally vampired Bella, the mother of a demon-child with the worst name ever given Renesmee (Is the author saying - Renee is Me? Is she the real child of a vampire and a human? Is this her parent's life story?) and the minute Jacob sees her, he ''imprints'' her - this is a werewolf adoloscent and an infant monster. You were in love with her mother just five minutes ago Jacob. Lesson learnt, this is what child birth does to a woman. Not only do you become a soulless fanged out vampire, the hot guy completely loses interest in you.
Last thought - Edward (another fun fact - 'actor' Robert Pattinson hasn't even READ Twilight) doesn't burn to a crisp when in the sun unlike how other vampire legends have led us to believe. He sparkles, like a million diamonds have descended on his skin (Game Show Question - What sparkles in the sun, can read your mind, mumbles throughout, is more than a century old is cold as ice, like marble to touch and drinks your blood? Answer - Every teenage girl's dream - Edward Cullen!). I have the same question as a character with one of the best storylines in recent times - Professor Severus Snape -
And thank you Lord Voldy for my lesson in manners.
Comments
Best one to date. Keep writing.
( I know this is a serious comment, deep down I just wanted to write hahahaha... but thought I'd be a little more descriptive!)
ps-Bella be gone?