Everyone Who Diets Gains in the End
Ah, the winter is over, spring was on it's way (in Delhi) but monsoon season has decided to give us a quick shout out, kind of like Sonam Kapoor's film career. While I'm enjoying the romantic, dark, electrifying and cutting electricity storms daily, I know that summer's on it's way. And we all know what that means! It's time for the winter jackets to come off and you to realize that all those inches on your arms were not from a sweatshirt and fur-lined jacket. Those are your arms Big-Boned.
So take those few minutes you require to stand up, think about the excess holiday (read: multiple meals at Indian weddings) weight you've magically acquired, get excited about getting rid of it and then sit down again after making your cholesterol laden heartbeat accelerated. You don't want to be unhealthy about this now do you?
I have tried many fad diets, for two days, sometimes three. I even ran on a treadmill for forty-five seconds once to increase the impact of dieting. I had to stop because of the friction caused between my feet running into each other. Also, since there is no wind resistance while on a treadmill, I had a unique pigeon-footed way of running on actual land. Thus, after much research and experiments on myself, some of which may have had some impact on brain function, I have come up with a guide for you to shed some kilos before you can say spinning.
I wake up in the morning after having slept for ten to twelve hours with my skin glowing and stomach rumbling. Often I have bad breath when I wake up because of the vast amounts of onion I consume. Onions prevent me from feeling cold and since I never switch on the air-conditioner because hello, I sweat 24/7 liquid calories being released- YES PLEASE! For breakfast, I have some egg (raw, DUH - who needs that excess oil), almonds (low-fat) and apple seeds (because a full apple a day is going to straight to the hips) and a jug full of donkey milk when horse milk not available (lowest fat content). After breakfast, I get dressed only in unforgiving nylon because these days, everyone's looking for a short-cut with cinched belts, tummy tuckers and such. SPANX ARE FOR THE WEAK AND PATHETIC. For shame.
Although days at work are quite busy, I spend four hours following people up or down on the staircase and then taking perimeters of the building, in stilettos too, natch. To all the guys reading this - seriously, get some stilettos for a REAL workout. For lunch, I usually enjoy some hot peppers, beans, tofu, vinegar and olive oil followed by coffee or just straight up caffeine (no pilfering here). Once home, I spend a few hours in the bathroom battling diarrhea - a great way to catch up on stalking your crush on Facebook, maybe even poking him/her if you're feeling particularly naughty! It's a great way to lose all that water weight.
When it comes to exercising, because we all know that simply dieting won't make you the next Dabangg Sonakshi Sinha - fat to well, less fat (oh c'mon, let's be honest now shall we?). I heard a fantastic way of exercising that Sid Mallya followed - not only did he run away from creditors and harassed customers but he also chased models relentlessly! Double whammy right there. He also incorporated another very important aspect of working out - keeping a constant regime while changing it everyday. We all know our body needs shock and variety is the spice of life. Low calorie spice i.e. Working out at a gym is a complete waste of time. Apart from the prison-punishment-penance that are treadmills, one tends to spend time getting ready, reaching a gym, checking out other people there and not really focussing on one's self. It's a hot box full of sweaty, insecure, vulnerable people who will only have pigeon-feet to show for all their hard work. For the people who still believe in gymming, let me say this - the less you look and interact with people at a gym, the more hardcore you are.
You might think - OK, let's go out and work that booty. I recommend what worked for me - sitting at home, confused about the various exercises while drinking five litres of water. Never let yourself get dehydrated. For dinner, I usually have a slap of chocolate cake made out of an authentic sugar substitute in a packet straight from the Arab, it's even written in their language that I can't read. But hey, if my friend's aunt's mother's sister's son's friend lost one kilo with that, I'll probably lose five.
Sleeping after dinner isn't too big of a deal for me. I feel so relaxed because I know I've done my body so well that I deserve that rest. Tomorrow's another day and another challenge to NOT give in to any fads like healthy diet and exercise. Those are for people with patience and common sense! We know that those require carbohydrates in order to facilitate brain function. And to be quite honest, the Governments of the world should focus on annihilating carbs rather than looking for terrorists and saving the global economy. No one will care about that if they're skinny.
And if all else fails, remember - touching skinny people will give them all the calories.
So take those few minutes you require to stand up, think about the excess holiday (read: multiple meals at Indian weddings) weight you've magically acquired, get excited about getting rid of it and then sit down again after making your cholesterol laden heartbeat accelerated. You don't want to be unhealthy about this now do you?
I have tried many fad diets, for two days, sometimes three. I even ran on a treadmill for forty-five seconds once to increase the impact of dieting. I had to stop because of the friction caused between my feet running into each other. Also, since there is no wind resistance while on a treadmill, I had a unique pigeon-footed way of running on actual land. Thus, after much research and experiments on myself, some of which may have had some impact on brain function, I have come up with a guide for you to shed some kilos before you can say spinning.
I wake up in the morning after having slept for ten to twelve hours with my skin glowing and stomach rumbling. Often I have bad breath when I wake up because of the vast amounts of onion I consume. Onions prevent me from feeling cold and since I never switch on the air-conditioner because hello, I sweat 24/7 liquid calories being released- YES PLEASE! For breakfast, I have some egg (raw, DUH - who needs that excess oil), almonds (low-fat) and apple seeds (because a full apple a day is going to straight to the hips) and a jug full of donkey milk when horse milk not available (lowest fat content). After breakfast, I get dressed only in unforgiving nylon because these days, everyone's looking for a short-cut with cinched belts, tummy tuckers and such. SPANX ARE FOR THE WEAK AND PATHETIC. For shame.
Although days at work are quite busy, I spend four hours following people up or down on the staircase and then taking perimeters of the building, in stilettos too, natch. To all the guys reading this - seriously, get some stilettos for a REAL workout. For lunch, I usually enjoy some hot peppers, beans, tofu, vinegar and olive oil followed by coffee or just straight up caffeine (no pilfering here). Once home, I spend a few hours in the bathroom battling diarrhea - a great way to catch up on stalking your crush on Facebook, maybe even poking him/her if you're feeling particularly naughty! It's a great way to lose all that water weight.
When it comes to exercising, because we all know that simply dieting won't make you the next Dabangg Sonakshi Sinha - fat to well, less fat (oh c'mon, let's be honest now shall we?). I heard a fantastic way of exercising that Sid Mallya followed - not only did he run away from creditors and harassed customers but he also chased models relentlessly! Double whammy right there. He also incorporated another very important aspect of working out - keeping a constant regime while changing it everyday. We all know our body needs shock and variety is the spice of life. Low calorie spice i.e. Working out at a gym is a complete waste of time. Apart from the prison-punishment-penance that are treadmills, one tends to spend time getting ready, reaching a gym, checking out other people there and not really focussing on one's self. It's a hot box full of sweaty, insecure, vulnerable people who will only have pigeon-feet to show for all their hard work. For the people who still believe in gymming, let me say this - the less you look and interact with people at a gym, the more hardcore you are.
You might think - OK, let's go out and work that booty. I recommend what worked for me - sitting at home, confused about the various exercises while drinking five litres of water. Never let yourself get dehydrated. For dinner, I usually have a slap of chocolate cake made out of an authentic sugar substitute in a packet straight from the Arab, it's even written in their language that I can't read. But hey, if my friend's aunt's mother's sister's son's friend lost one kilo with that, I'll probably lose five.
Sleeping after dinner isn't too big of a deal for me. I feel so relaxed because I know I've done my body so well that I deserve that rest. Tomorrow's another day and another challenge to NOT give in to any fads like healthy diet and exercise. Those are for people with patience and common sense! We know that those require carbohydrates in order to facilitate brain function. And to be quite honest, the Governments of the world should focus on annihilating carbs rather than looking for terrorists and saving the global economy. No one will care about that if they're skinny.
And if all else fails, remember - touching skinny people will give them all the calories.
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