How to Solve (M)all Our Problems

Shopping malls were a fantastical place for us Indian Millenials in our childhood. The only evidence we had of their existence were Hollywood movies and that one Indian American relative who visited every winter and brought gifts from ~the mall~. 

I think that one of the first malls that ever opened in Delhi was Ansal Plaza. People would be lying if they didn't admit to getting lost there (why was it shaped like a horseshoe? What was the purpose of that huge amphitheatre? Did everyone have at least one birthday lunch at Geofferey's?). Now, malls have evolved from a cluster of just shops and food courts to movie theatres, arcades, bars and much more. However, despite the myriad of entertaining activities they provide, the idea of going to one right now may seem foolish. There may be no weather in malls but there is an irritatingly potent and infectious virus still doing the rounds. The only thing that may be more viral is the photographic proof of huge non-distant crowds at the malls in the capital. 

I don't blame people for visiting malls. Whether they want to be out of their confinement, need to purchase something from Uniqlo or meet someone, everyone has a reason. Rather, I hope that this footfall helps shops and restaurants. They have not received any additional economic relief. Retailers and restaurateurs will try to maximise their revenues as much as they can. I think we can all safely assume that the Police can't police everyone and the less said about the Powers that Be, the better (they're busy with renovations anyway).  However, certain rules simply have to be followed for the sake health of public health. 

I hereby propose some rules to reduce risks in burgeoning hotspots - malls (quite literally, they do provide air conditioning to the masses for free but not for long):

1. Entry to malls require bookings made at least 24 hours beforehand

  • Limited spaces only (number of slots to be determined depending on the area of the mall). 
  • Malls that are connected will now require separate bookings.

2. Malls should charge a booking entry fee based on duration

  • ₹200 per adult per hour
  • ₹100 per hour for kids under 12 and adults above 70
  • Babies are welcome free of charge (they were born during a pandemic, I think they've been through enough already)

3. These bookings could be made through websites like bookmyshow.com. Revenue for them too.

4. A booked slot means entrance to a mall for a fixed and limited period of time with no extensions. Maybe Indians will finally learn how to be punctual and value time. 

5. Mall authorities to keep the ID of persons entering the mall. It is to be returned only when they exit on time. Penalties for lateness disclosed. 

6. Proper masking is a big problem anywhere in the world. We know that Indians are very entitled (and almost everyone has a BSc from Google and an MBBS from WhatsApp) so instead of engaging regular mall security, I recommend hiring currently unemployed bouncers from the most rowdy bars of Delhi (i.e. any bar of Delhi). I also suggest that they be trained in the art of observation by teachers from schools who have been exam invigilators particularly in class 11. 

7. Shops to place a luxurious red carpet and velvet ropes outside their doors with more bouncers in menacing masks holding clipboards (that you can't peep at) while wearing ear pieces (connected to a  mystery voice that you can't hear) to minimise the number of patrons inside. Just imagine that you are in the queue for Prada in Bicester Village rather than Promod in Promenade. You're waiting but at least you're on a red carpet. 

8.  In an effort to make the wait for mall goers more smooth, I also suggest making the lines feel as much as the immigration queue at the arrivals terminal of Heathrow. The same Indians who grab their luggage from the overhead compartments before the plane is parked as if it'll take off with them still on board suddenly become the quietest and most obedient in the presence of a British Asian lady firmly instructing them on when to move ahead. These queues also cause everyone to put their heads down and simply focus on their phones - usually trying to catch the patchy wifi (gotta check the responses on that airport Insta story). We need more of this cooperative behaviour.

9. For these going to the mall to eat, although I humbly wonder why, it's understandable (sort of). There’s only that much Zomato/ Swiggy one can tolerate. For fast food and casual dining places, I suggest standing tables (placed far apart) only. Perhaps add a display to show how standing leads to more calories burning (88 per hour) as opposed to when sitting (80 per hour). A quick meal is a happy meal! 

10. Restaurants with seated dining are trickier. Since they may not want to turn away any paying customers, we have to ensure that the limited patrons offer a similar revenue. Charging more per dish is always an option. Another one is to impose a time limit and charge per table like Shisha bars in London. If you can pay for Mamounia (just to say that you’ve been to Mamounia), you can pay extra for your favourite pasta at the Big Chill.  Irrespective of which measure is adopted, the number of tables that can be occupied, diners per table as well as duration of meals has to be limited and monitored if not by them, then by us. In case of any discrepancy, feel free to bring out that entitled self you've been holding back for so long. 

Punishment for any kind of violation including maskless selfies (a punishment for your dear followers) vary according to the severity of the offence and range from:

  • Monetary penalties (preferably to a variety of charities), 
  • A photograph of you with a poster that is proposing cow urine as a solution that you have to post on your social media till you don't leave the premises (no evidence no ID) 
  • And my favourite one - wearing a PPE kit with two masks for at least an hour while walking around the mall (outside and inside) to begin to understand what medical, crematorium and other frontline workers have been living through for the past year. 
In conclusion, I am confident that these measures when correctly adopted can lead to an efficient and safe mall experience. We were united when the times were bad just a while ago, can we do it again even things seem relatively safer? Do it for your family, your neighbours, your friends. Do it till the flights open and we can run to Select City Walk for our vacation looks and be out of here before someone says 'Ah-Choo!'. 





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